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| I don't want to feel like this anymore 
i just want to be forgotten.. | | |
| i had a 3 and a half day weekend. it was sweet. i got high everday. yay ^ ^
it was grand. hah. i was baked alll the time. i had no idea wut was happenin. the room changed colors and everone was talking reaaallly fast. omg that chocolate chocolate drink from starbucks is fucking orgasmic.aghh. so good. fuckin cop pulled us over today for speeding in a school zone hah. it was gay and he was a dick. he bitched at me for having my seatbelt under my arm rtaher than over it. i'm writing like 3 screenplays right now. its awsome. blahhh. cat got me a zombie survival kind.yay ^.^ i luv her for it. holy shit. guess what. fucking zee is fucking engaged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! apparently she's marrying the guy she hates and wants to leave for me but i hav a girlfriend, so she gets fuckin engaged??! thats bullshit.shes probly pregnant too. he proposed in fuckin disneyland. who hasnt. shes 15. hes 19. what morons. way to ruin ur fucking life. she just told me like a month ago how much she missed me n wanted to be with me. she's obviously not happy with him, so why marry? wierd. his problem now hah. oh and some guy form the UK wnats me to be apart of his film festival he started like 20 years ago. he likes my work and thinks i should sumbit, but i think its an excuse to get my money for submission fee. idk. UK? fuck that il take my chances in the US thankyou | | |
| holy shit i havent been on here in forever
well since october 20th.. i became a party monster. sad actually. the only thing to make me happy would be to get more and more wasted. i started going to mike n gregs 3 times a week and smoke out and drink then come home take pills, do some whip its and write poetry. and when i would have crazy trips i would actually write myself letters of just visions and random words because my mind was moving so fast i would try to write down as many things as possible, then id wake up the next morning n be like wut the fuck haha.
in november me and nicole drifted more and more away. it turns out she thought i was obsessed with her? like in love? idk. how is wanted my old best friend back obsessed. thats all i want. i just want to be able to talk with her again, like the way things used to be. well november my play came out. i hated it. everyone would come up n shake my hand and i had to pretend to give a shit. i cut my hair for that damn play n im still not sure if it was worth it. then towards the end of november i felt so sick of everything n everyone and i thought maybie i need a relationship so i got a girlfriend and ya know she makes me pretty happy, but idk. it just seems kinda fake. last night at 3 in the morning nicole and i had our first convo in 4 to 5 months. she sees through me. she knows that she has somewhat destroyed my life and she sees the new pete. the pete that hides behind his smile and jokes when really he's so completely depressed he doesnt know what to do with himself. she knows me cuz she is me in everyway. but she keeps asking me fucking questions it wa spissin me off. i think shes trying to change me. that night i got drunk and cut myself, it felt so fucking good. i missed the taste of blood.
i hung out with kristin yesterday. hah she's such a thinker. she always has unrealistic opinions about everything. but i like it. and i like how she says neat. but i dont really like how she tries so hard to be different n wierd. and i dont like how she tries to get stuff out of me. and how she leaves for ten minutes because of phone calls. but i do miss hanging out with her. i miss everything. i want things to go back to the way they were so long ago. god i want that more than anything. if i won a million dollars right now i would give it all away to have one day with nicole the way things were in the beginning. i thought having a girlfriend would make me happy, but i dont know if thats working. and i think shes having second thoughts and i dont blame her. but honestly im trying to giv her what she wants, i dont know what else i can do. maybie she'd be better off without me. i think she wants to take a break.
im just not sure of anhything anymore. i got my report card though. no Fs. that is my first report card out of my entire hi skool experience with no Fs. now i might be able to graduate if i dont get Fs this semester. but that wont happen cuz when i get depressed like this i shut school out and fail everything. i cant wait till i move to seattle and forget everything and just do what i want. school starts tomarrow . woppiee. | | |
| friday, i worked at fright fest in the haunted house..it was fun and my manager applauded me, then saterday they fuckin sent me home oevr stupid bullshit n so i met up with scott at the mall n we got pizza n laughed about everything then jared brian n i went to travis's house in cnayon coutry n got fuckin wasted.. i cant believe how much fuckin weed i smoked. atleast like 9 hits with the bubbler thna like 8 or 9 with the bong it was tight. had a bunch of beer, fuck man i was out of it.. kickin it to rap music.. travis chased this fat girl aorund the house with a flame thrower.. her fatass brokje his window so he was gona light her ass on fuckin fire haha it was great. man i was trippin out. then sunday hung out with kristin. i miss her.. it sux.. she has this big important life n it reminds me of wut a loser i am. i enevr hav stories to tell.. i hav nothing. we're gona see bright eyes in a couple days yayy ^_^
hmm wut the fuck happened monday????? nothing. ew..i hate mondays..but wednesday was good because out of kindness, lily n seanna brought me flowers in the morning for no reason..they just bought them for me..cuz im their friend n they luv me.. good day.. today was cool.. it was a halfday so i ditched the last 2 classes..went to marks house, played pool then got pretty drunk at the lake n ate goldfish..hah..goodtimes | | |
| well, this past weekend was pretty nifty. friday was just awsome. got free pretzles from cheeto at the mall. yum yyum. then at night wandered aimlessly around with brian n jared, then met up with travis n c money and lil girls n went to travis n c-money's place. it was so fuckin awsome. it was in the middle of nowhere in canyon country. its this trailor place with techno n storbe lights n black lights and so much weed and vodka and crazy lights. oh my god i was trippin balls. i havent gotten that fucked up in sooo long. oh my gaad. i was on the floor rolling around n screaming and it was great. i thought i was flying or on a roller coaster. then went home n threw up 6 times then called melissa andtalked to her a while. a serious tlak about the future. then i tlaked to zee, and talked about ourselves and how we feel about each other, it was cool, though i dont remember much of it. then saterday i started fright fest. im in this haunted house where im in a insane asylum its so great i just scream and siezure n run around n scare the fucking shit outa ppl. i love it. i did it also on sunday, though it sux thta i lost my fucking voice form all that screaming. hah yesterday i got all excited because i had spaghetti o's for the first time in 7 years omg it was good. i have been in this soup mood for like a week. lke on cold nights, theres just nothing better. ive had romen lately but last gnith i had this crazy soup with veggies n noodles, oh my god it was soo amzing, it was in a gigaaantic bowl n i ate it all, wrapped up in my blanket watching korean soap operas, it was.. wonderful. tonight i duno wut im goin to hav. i think we might be goin out of soup. idk wut il do. we hav to get more. today i felt out of place.. because everyone keeps laughing at me when i tlak cuz my voice is lost. it sucked. why must people be so mean. well, today i was sitting in my econ class, and we had sooo many notes to take, and i cant believe i was complaining to myself. i was wining n wining in my head on how i dont wanna take these notes, but then i looked to my left and saw this guy. his right arm was in a cast. he broke it over the weekend. so he was trying to keep his pencil balanced between his fingers in his left hand. and since he isnt left handed he was struggling soo hard to write down all the notes we had. he wrote so slow, but he never gave up though i could see in his eyes he wanted to break down, he kept going, then mr rooney comes by and takes down the notes and puts up a notherr full page to copy. he wasnt even halfway done with the other page. he looks at this new page and drops his pen. he looks at his desk with a horrible look on his face. i can tell he felt so small, and it made me hurt just to watch him. so he gets the nerve to pik up his pen again and start writing down the new stuff on a new sheet of paper. it takes him so long just to get one line down. and here i am writing at the speed of light and im still complaining. i felt so stupid. i finished my notes, and look at the clock. theres no way he can finish on time. i can see in his face he just cant do it. so with my raggedy voice, i tap him on the shoulder and say hey, having trouble? theres like only 8 minutes left, and i dont think you'l be able to finish. want me to copy down the rest of the notes for you? he looks up and his face brightened. "yeah, i dont think i can do it. do you mind?" i take his notebooka nd say not at all. and i copy it down just in time, perfect writing and spelling and everything. and i hand it back. and he looks at me and says "thank you soo much pete." and form the bottom of his heart he smiles and shakes my hand with the only arm that he can use, and he offers to take my textbook. i felt so fucking good about myself, i dont care if my hand is hurting like hell, i'm glad i did that. | | |
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